thinking when i should be studying...again
I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but while surfing the internet i stumbled upon a website. It had a number of articles which i quickly devoured, and left me hungry for more.
Finally, someone with who i could completely and utterly identify. First and foremost, before i even begin to tell you about this, i truly hope i get a ton of e-mails (unlikley_redhead@yahoo.com) from people, just as this guy did, telling me how wrong i am and the like. in fact i encourage it. In fact, i wish you would link, me and your site and condemn my actions.
I'm not even sure where to begin with this actually. I suppose i'll start of by saying that i 'grew up' Christian. What exactly do i mean? Before you jump to conclusions at to what i mean, i'll tell you. At any early age, i was taken to church, learned about God in sunday school, told i was sinful, and needed to repent of my sins so that i could live with God when i died and went to heaven. I 'gave my life to Christ' when i was aged only five years. For the next 8 or so years, i lived as any child does, only i was haphazardly guided by the values of my family and my church. I played outside, i tormented and teased other kids, and i went to school. Well, actually i was homeschooled. That's a whole other blog post/rant though, so i'll quit disgressing, and focus here.
Around the time, i hit puberty (aged 13), my intelligence began to set irksome alarms wailing in my head. I began to doubt the existance of my God, figuring i was living in a collective fantasy with billions of other people. I did what many others did, i faked it. On the inside, i doubted not only the existence of God, but i was begining to think that i WAS in cult, and i was the only one who was aware of it. Oh, i tried to shut myself up, and pray and read the Bible, but it was useless. I cursed God for giving me a brain at all, and wished for nothing more than to be stupid that i would never imagine this kind of blasphemeus facade. There was something inherently evil with what i was doing. The more i thought about it, the more guilt i felt. How dare i doubt GOD?!?
Thus, "weekend Christendom" entered my vocabularly. I was convicted bunches of times, once, when shortly after watching the Passion of the Christ, and hearing the controversy of that, i nearly cried in church. Of coruse i did; how could i have doubted the existence of God?
Well, it's easy. All around my, i see contradications. Every person has a different view of what the Bible "means" and what it "implies", Pastors, debate what means what, "christians" as a whole don't seem to be able to have concordence with one another. What exactly does "christian" mean? what do Christians believe? EVERYTHING IS CONTRADICTORY.
Hell, i'm a stereotyical hypocrite of contradiction, according to my own religion. I refuse to listen to 'secuar' music, only christian music, but in and of itself, is contradictory. Everyone has a different guideline as to what is 'acceptable; music. And thus, while i'm airing my dirty laundry, i wish to announce that i really enjoy Incubus' song, "Drive". That's definately not a Christian band, and thus i've confused everyone.
Morals, i'm only 18, and refuse to pour beer at my job when the occasion sometimes dictates that everyone over twenty one is busy. Yet, i have no problem letting 'unholy talk' escape from my lips when i'm frustrated at work. Would i dare do that around my parents, people at church? NEVER.
Again, i am disgressing. Let me try to remember where i was; i 'grew up' christian, and through most of my teen years i was God-less. Oh, i convinced everyone around me i was Christian; i went to camp, pretended to pray, when on TWO mission's trips... And that's where more guilt came into play. How could i tell these kids that they were vil, dirty and sinless and needed to pray to God so...they could become like me? Wretched, disgusting... i was anything but Christian i realised. I cried and prayed to God for wisdom and insight but i never recieved anythign comforting. I was told that perhaps i was 'subconsciously not really interested in religion or faith or God, and that's why i wans't heairng anything' And i believe them! I tried if possibly, with more fervor to convince myself that this was a 'test' of my fail, and hung my head in shame that i had obviously failed.
And thus, i had (inadvertanly perhaps?) lost my faith, which leads me to day, the seventh day of february-- in the year of our Lord-- 2005. I did my daily reading of my friend's blog, and noticed she was bashing a Christ organization, "focus on the family" frankly, i don't really remember how exactly i stumbled onto this other site, but i did. Maybe some of you out there would call it a work of God to lead his strayed sheep back home, but i don't know what it was.
Here's the answer i had been looking for; in an article in which he claimed that focus on the family actually did more harm than good, i began to believe this guy. Well, not entirely, i began to see his logic. And i read people bashing him for 'being the devil' and whatnot, and realised this was what i had been searching for! Not someone telling me how to believe, but someone telling me to stop following the ecetric sheep of society and THINK FOR MYSELF. It dawned on me, that i had never believe in God, that i was not just fooling others all those, i was fooling MYSELF. Or was i? perhaps i was never fooling anyone, i just was afraid to admit my disbeilf in soemthing that i cannot experience through the five senses. And perhaps the reason that is true is so that God can draw us closer to him?
This is the problem. Interpretation. I'm trying to understand and interpret something unfathomable.
So i'm sitting here, wondering what i believe. I don't know what i believe. Of course i'd like to believe that there is a supreme being that protects me, that saves me from eternal damnation, but the fact is, i haven't seen any proof of this Majesty. No one can prove his existance, some argue that you cna't DISprove his existence, and there's a path of confused people standing around, wondering what the meaning of life is.
So if there's no way to prove it to me, then don't If there was a God and i didn't believe, he'll take it up with me. If there wasn't a God, then at least i won't have to worry about having to think about this. Did this guy push me over the top into unbelief, as he is accused on his website? No, i think he's encouraging a whole bunch of people who aren't living and breathing on their own to do so. So i'm taking my first breath and living of life... of what?
Take the time to encourage me that faith is worth while, This God cares for me. Or take time to judge me like the hypocrits that are; to rebuke me for my disbelif, condemn me to hell for my blasphemy.
Please, take the time to only instill further in my mind that the church and the Christian faith are all built upon a lie.
in case you'd like to read the articles and sned natsy, hatefilled letters to this guy;
http://www.elroy.net/ehr/index.html
Finally, someone with who i could completely and utterly identify. First and foremost, before i even begin to tell you about this, i truly hope i get a ton of e-mails (unlikley_redhead@yahoo.com) from people, just as this guy did, telling me how wrong i am and the like. in fact i encourage it. In fact, i wish you would link, me and your site and condemn my actions.
I'm not even sure where to begin with this actually. I suppose i'll start of by saying that i 'grew up' Christian. What exactly do i mean? Before you jump to conclusions at to what i mean, i'll tell you. At any early age, i was taken to church, learned about God in sunday school, told i was sinful, and needed to repent of my sins so that i could live with God when i died and went to heaven. I 'gave my life to Christ' when i was aged only five years. For the next 8 or so years, i lived as any child does, only i was haphazardly guided by the values of my family and my church. I played outside, i tormented and teased other kids, and i went to school. Well, actually i was homeschooled. That's a whole other blog post/rant though, so i'll quit disgressing, and focus here.
Around the time, i hit puberty (aged 13), my intelligence began to set irksome alarms wailing in my head. I began to doubt the existance of my God, figuring i was living in a collective fantasy with billions of other people. I did what many others did, i faked it. On the inside, i doubted not only the existence of God, but i was begining to think that i WAS in cult, and i was the only one who was aware of it. Oh, i tried to shut myself up, and pray and read the Bible, but it was useless. I cursed God for giving me a brain at all, and wished for nothing more than to be stupid that i would never imagine this kind of blasphemeus facade. There was something inherently evil with what i was doing. The more i thought about it, the more guilt i felt. How dare i doubt GOD?!?
Thus, "weekend Christendom" entered my vocabularly. I was convicted bunches of times, once, when shortly after watching the Passion of the Christ, and hearing the controversy of that, i nearly cried in church. Of coruse i did; how could i have doubted the existence of God?
Well, it's easy. All around my, i see contradications. Every person has a different view of what the Bible "means" and what it "implies", Pastors, debate what means what, "christians" as a whole don't seem to be able to have concordence with one another. What exactly does "christian" mean? what do Christians believe? EVERYTHING IS CONTRADICTORY.
Hell, i'm a stereotyical hypocrite of contradiction, according to my own religion. I refuse to listen to 'secuar' music, only christian music, but in and of itself, is contradictory. Everyone has a different guideline as to what is 'acceptable; music. And thus, while i'm airing my dirty laundry, i wish to announce that i really enjoy Incubus' song, "Drive". That's definately not a Christian band, and thus i've confused everyone.
Morals, i'm only 18, and refuse to pour beer at my job when the occasion sometimes dictates that everyone over twenty one is busy. Yet, i have no problem letting 'unholy talk' escape from my lips when i'm frustrated at work. Would i dare do that around my parents, people at church? NEVER.
Again, i am disgressing. Let me try to remember where i was; i 'grew up' christian, and through most of my teen years i was God-less. Oh, i convinced everyone around me i was Christian; i went to camp, pretended to pray, when on TWO mission's trips... And that's where more guilt came into play. How could i tell these kids that they were vil, dirty and sinless and needed to pray to God so...they could become like me? Wretched, disgusting... i was anything but Christian i realised. I cried and prayed to God for wisdom and insight but i never recieved anythign comforting. I was told that perhaps i was 'subconsciously not really interested in religion or faith or God, and that's why i wans't heairng anything' And i believe them! I tried if possibly, with more fervor to convince myself that this was a 'test' of my fail, and hung my head in shame that i had obviously failed.
And thus, i had (inadvertanly perhaps?) lost my faith, which leads me to day, the seventh day of february-- in the year of our Lord-- 2005. I did my daily reading of my friend's blog, and noticed she was bashing a Christ organization, "focus on the family" frankly, i don't really remember how exactly i stumbled onto this other site, but i did. Maybe some of you out there would call it a work of God to lead his strayed sheep back home, but i don't know what it was.
Here's the answer i had been looking for; in an article in which he claimed that focus on the family actually did more harm than good, i began to believe this guy. Well, not entirely, i began to see his logic. And i read people bashing him for 'being the devil' and whatnot, and realised this was what i had been searching for! Not someone telling me how to believe, but someone telling me to stop following the ecetric sheep of society and THINK FOR MYSELF. It dawned on me, that i had never believe in God, that i was not just fooling others all those, i was fooling MYSELF. Or was i? perhaps i was never fooling anyone, i just was afraid to admit my disbeilf in soemthing that i cannot experience through the five senses. And perhaps the reason that is true is so that God can draw us closer to him?
This is the problem. Interpretation. I'm trying to understand and interpret something unfathomable.
So i'm sitting here, wondering what i believe. I don't know what i believe. Of course i'd like to believe that there is a supreme being that protects me, that saves me from eternal damnation, but the fact is, i haven't seen any proof of this Majesty. No one can prove his existance, some argue that you cna't DISprove his existence, and there's a path of confused people standing around, wondering what the meaning of life is.
So if there's no way to prove it to me, then don't If there was a God and i didn't believe, he'll take it up with me. If there wasn't a God, then at least i won't have to worry about having to think about this. Did this guy push me over the top into unbelief, as he is accused on his website? No, i think he's encouraging a whole bunch of people who aren't living and breathing on their own to do so. So i'm taking my first breath and living of life... of what?
Take the time to encourage me that faith is worth while, This God cares for me. Or take time to judge me like the hypocrits that are; to rebuke me for my disbelif, condemn me to hell for my blasphemy.
Please, take the time to only instill further in my mind that the church and the Christian faith are all built upon a lie.
in case you'd like to read the articles and sned natsy, hatefilled letters to this guy;
http://www.elroy.net/ehr/index.html
posted by redhead at 09:40
1 Comments:
First, I think that the lack of this condemnation you were expecting shows you something, and it's not that people don't care. It's that what you've said here, what you're going through, and how you are thinking are not bad things. Doubt, or rather, challenging what you think, believe, and claim to know is a good thing for everyone to be doing constantly. Without this, we do tend to fall into this "fake" living you speak of.
I grew up as you did, and somewhere around the same time as you, had some of those same alarms going off. It took me about three years to realize that all I was doing was fooling myself. My conclusion wasn't that God didn't exist, however, it was that I simply had never really reached out to search for Him. This wasn't an easy thing for me to do either, as by now I was so wrapped up with ME.
As for the debates and the interpretations of Christianity, i would agree with your other commentor that this is a good thing. Again, it stirs up constant consideration of one's own beliefs. Furthermore, I find it to be that it matters not what others believe.
What matters is how I precieve my faith, and what God has revealed to me... and if I have some things wrong in the end while others have them right, then that is how things go, and it will not crush everything I ever lived for; rather, it will likely complete the missing pieces of my life and my faith that never seemed whole in me.
We can only guess at the Truth today, but when tomorrow comes and the Truth is revealed, am I less for believing a lie? No, because once I know the Truth, I know the Truth, and anything else is gone and finished.
(Read Romans 14 if you care to, I think it provides an interesting view on this idea of interpretation within the church.)
Anyways, I wish you good luck, godspeed, or whatever, in your search for Truth. All you can really do is discover what you believe, why you believe it, and keep checking your beliefs against yourself to update, change, or fix anything that doesn't make sense anymore. And most importantly, don't let anyone tell you what is true, unless you find it to be true yourself.
Life is a journey, a process. We can never reach Perfection, Truth, or Fullness... all we can do is work our way there through time. I believe THIS to be the meaning of our lives.
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